Happy Chuseok (추석 잘 보내세요)!
Happy Chuseok (추석 잘 보내세요)!
Finding beauty in a childhood photo that my U.S. classmates found "weird"
When I was little — maybe 6 or 7 years old — we had to bring photos to school for a project. I don't recall exactly what we were doing. Probably something about a family tree.
My parents picked this photo for me to bring in. Although my father bought a nice camera after we immigrated to the United States, we didn't have one back in Korea. Cameras were a luxury for the rich and we weren't wealthy. So that means that my parents took me to a photographer's studio in Seoul to get this shot.
I must've been about three or four years old. I had on a nice dress. My hair was neatly combed and my bangs were pinned back. And I had on tights and western-style shoes, rather than the Korean rubber shoes (고무신), which my mother said I refused to wear.
Today, those ugly Crocs and hideous flip flops are considered trendy. I think 고무신 would fit right in in terms of comfort. But that's another story all together.
Don't let the sour look on my face fool you. Back when I was a young child, we weren't supposed to smile in pictures. I can assure you that I was a happy little kid.
What I remember about my time in South Korea is that even during a time of turmoil, a photographer's spotty floor was the worst part of my childhood.
Bringing this photo to my school in Chicago, I remember thinking that I looked cute and couldn't wait to show it off to my friends.
I can’t pinpoint which little girl said it, but I can still recall her words.
"Where was this taken?" she asked. And before I could answer, she wanted to know, "Why is the room so dirty?"
I had no idea what she was talking about. But even at that young age, I felt shame.
Before, I had never noticed that the floors were spotted and the walls weren't pristine. I never noticed that I had somehow gotten my tights dirty on our way to the photo studio, or that my shoes were a little scuffed.
But after, those imperfections were all that I could see. Yes, why was it so dirty? Why wasn't my photo taken in a studio with a cheesy, but clean, backdrop like all the other kids?
So, I sat there and listened as my friends discussed what a dirty country Korea must be. It didn't occur to me to point out that they wore their filthy shoes in their homes, which we would never do.
Of course, those little children didn't know any better and were just curious (and perhaps a little cruel). They had never even heard of Korea. How could they have possibly imagined that my homeland had been at war and then divided in two? How could they have known that my family had money and land at one time, but that much of it was taken away during the war? How could they have wrapped their heads around being so desperate for food that young wives, like my mother, would ask the local fishmonger for the cheapest scraps to feed a nonexistent cat?
How could they have known any of this when I hadn't known it, either?
I found this photo when I was looking for something to put up for Throwback Thursday. I love this picture. I see a little girl who loved getting dressed up and having her picture taken. And I know that in order for that to happen, my parents had to spend what little money they had for my new dress and the photographer's time.
That's what I remember. That even during a time of turmoil, a photographer's spotty floor was the worst part of my childhood.
추석 잘 보내세요!
To all my fellow Koreans, happy Chuseok! For those who don’t know about it, 추석 is one of South Korea’s most important holidays. Originally, it was a celebration of the bountiful harvests each year. Now, it’s a time when Koreans head back to their hometown to celebrate with their parents and extended relatives. It’s also a time to honor our ancestors. The closest U.S. equivalent is Thanksgiving — minus the genocide.
Articles You May Be Interested In Reading:
• Celebrity: When Haters are Anonymous, They're Emboldened to Be Cruel (Substack)
• Inside the Korean Rock Group The Rose’s Biggest Year Yet (Rolling Stone)
• When Strangers Destroyed Our Korean Lunch (Substack)
• My Mother’s Cooking Was A Taste Of Korea (Substack)
• The 100 Greatest Songs in the History of Korean Pop Music (Rolling Stone)
• My Fears for My Child were Based on My Own Immigrant Experience (Substack)
• The Glory of High School Bullying (Substack)
© 2023 JAE-HA KIM | All Rights Reserved
Jae, I love this picture (we all were wearing the same non-expression back in those days!) and adore your story. One of the greatest gifts of old age is perspective, isn't it? Even though my parents were constantly pining for money, none of their three kids ever went to bed hungry -- in fact, it was the opposite, sometimes we couldn't sleep because we were too FULL!
Even when it seemed like we had nothing, in truth we had everything we needed and then some. Happy 추석 to you, too. :)
Your photo aged better than those Olan Mills or Sears photos all the other kids probably had. :)
This has nothing to do with Chuseok but your memory triggered my memory. My mom used to have a couple pairs of those rubber shoes that she would show when giving slide shows about Korea to people interested in adopting (which is a whole story in itself). I remember they were slender and my wide feet would not fit into them. I had forgotten about them until I started watching historical K-dramas. Those rubber shoes looked like the flower shoes I see in Joseon period dramas. After being in Korea last year I now know that the dominate green and red colors is the same green and red I see at the palaces and temples. A couple years back I asked my mom about those shoes and she said they had disintegrated.
I hope to be in Korea during Chuseok (with my kids) one of these years. Reading your article made me wonder if there's anyone who thinks about me at this time of year when they gather with family...