16 Comments

Jae-Ha, thank you so much for sharing this. Every part of my being doesn't want to believe racism is real in this country, but I know that it is, and it breaks my heart. My blond, blue-eyed daughter was engaged to a wonderful, beloved Japanese American man (formerly on Mythbusters), and while we were planning their wedding, I couldn't believe the hate directed at them from friends of my deceased Air Force father, who would have adored her fiance. When G died suddenly of a brain aneurysm in 2020, my child and I entered a mourning that still has not ended. However, my father's so-called friends told me what a relief it was my daughter had been spared the "embarrassment" of having a mixed-race child. OMG, my heart shattered at that moment and remains broken. I have cut off all contact with these people, especially as we approach this contentious election. I dearly want to know - from anybody - how we overcome all this hate and miserable divisiveness. I'm 72 and do NOT want to leave this world in the next 20-30 years without some sense of hope. Do you think there's an effective way of even breaking the ice or bringing up the hurt with these people - or is it just not worth it at all? Thank you.

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Hi Christina, I remember you telling me about your daughter's loss and was so sad for her (and you). When people who should've been in your corner behave that way and can only see an 'inferior race' rather than the amazing man that he was, it's their loss. It's difficult to comprehend that they would think that their racism and horrible views would somehow comfort your family.

I do know that some acquaintances and friends used to tell me they stopped reading my posts about racism (because they said they were divisive or uninteresting). Others, who said they had never seen racism against Asians somewhat dismissed my lived experiences because it was so foreign to them. But some began to pay attention to my stories. They've become very vocal about calling out racism. I think people just have to be willing to talk about it. And that's not always a comfortable thing for many of us, myself included.

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I've had long thoughts about this subject, and it comes down, surprisingly or not, to science. Most people seem to ignore the fact that we humans are herd animals, and herd animals band together against danger, whether just perceived or real. I've come to believe that prejudice and bigotry are based on this herd mentality, designed biologically for survival to shut out anything that is "different". Perhaps none of these people have a positive personal acquaintance with someone of a different color, nor do they have any gay friends. When we have a beautiful variety of friendships or work to understand someone who's different, we see our commonality. It seems the only way to cure this societal ill is to force/create groups of different people to live and survive together but that's basically impossible outside of the military, an AA meeting, a classroom, or a diverse fandom of a musical group. The classroom is probably the most fertile ground for fostering acceptance, as young people get to know each other in a consistent manner, which might overcome the bigoted influence of parents. I wish I could be alive 100 years from now to see if we've made any progress. I can only hope there will be.

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I too thank you for being vulnerable and continuing to share what you enjoy so we can all enjoy it together to spite those haters

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Thank you so much for your kind words, Emily! I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

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Thank you for sharing your experience. It is painful to read, and so how much more painful it must have been to experience.

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Joy, thank you so much for taking the time to read this and comment. I appreciate you!

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Jae-Ha,

I’m an old white guy. At the end of your story, where you recall day-dreaming about whipping some ass on those teenage boys who’d been so awful to you, really struck a familiar nerve with me. I’ve dreamt of retaliating so much better than I did in the moment, and was furious with myself for not being able to defend myself better. I realized when I was about 10 years old and had just moved to a new state and was being harassed by the alpha boys at my new school that many people are not much different than chickens, who will brutally attack the one chicken that is weak and unable to fight back. They’ll literally pluck the feathers off the back and neck of a hen, chase her away from food until she weakens further and eventually dies. Thus the “pecking order” analogy. I was being harassed just because I was unknown and new. To be harassed on the idea of “race” is so infuriating to me. My son-in-law is African American, and I love him dearly. There is hope for a better world. But it does take each of us crossing the ancient boundaries of race and religion. Thank you for sharing your life experiences. It’s perhaps the main crossing each of us can do. Lets other people see what it is to live on the margins, facing prejudice and bigotry (injustice).

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Thank you so much, Will. My heart breaks for 10-year-old you, who was harassed for no reason than being new. A while ago, I wrote an OpEd piece for a newspaper about racism. And one man, who said he had been a former teacher, said that maybe I was bullied because I had been an annoying child. 😒 That's the mindset of some people — blame the victim.

One thing my brother told me was that bullies never picked on him twice, because he fought back every single time (and usually won). And even when he lost, bullies didn't bother him again because he put up such a strong fight. They wanted someone weak to make them feel stronger.

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hi Jae-Ha thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry and it is understandable it would stay with you unfortunately. I had a recent racist experience and i shared it with one of the few asians i know locally and she also had a recent similar experience. I was scared to share my story on my substack but decided it’s critical for people to understand and hear first-hand perspectives (even if i have a small impact). I was not happy my friend had a similar story but it is less lonely when we share with each other so thank you. I have never been more aware of my Asian face than this past month and unfortunately it is only due to negative gazes.

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I just read your piece. It is infuriating being treated that way.

I think that even if it's uncomfortable to write about these incidents...and even if it's uncomfortable for people to read about these stories...it's important to have a record of it so that people know that these things happen, even if it never happens to them.

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absolutely 💯💯

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Ugh. I'm so sorry you went through this, Jae. It always surprises me how bad memories really aren't that buried. 😞

The other thing I remember is that terrible tragedy not long ago when so many young Koreans died on Halloween, due to mismanagement of foot traffic or some crazy thing. Halloween was not on my radar growing up in Korea, that's for sure.

It isn't always easy to love this second country of ours. Especially this time of the year...lord, what the hell is this nation going to be on Wednesday morning? I'm afraid to look, Jae...!

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Thank you, Sung. How's your book tour going?!! I'm still bummed that Chicago wasn't on your stop, but it looks like all the other events are going well. You deserve all this success and more.

The stampede in Itaewon two years ago... Ugh, that was truly tragic. I wrote an article for Rolling Stone that reflects on that (as part of an article I wrote about ATEEZ). I included quotes from a college student who had been there and it was horrific and bone-chilling just listening to her talk about what she went through. (Article link is here: https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-features/ateez-kpop-tour-1234630973/)

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Reading this makes me so sad. I'm very sorry you've gone through this. I appreciate your bravery in sharing your experiences.

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Thank you, Sarah! My life is overall wonderful. It's just every now and again that these memories pop up. I am hoping that Gen Z is kinder to each other.

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